


Shadows In Your Mind

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [18]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Before leaving Atollon, Ezra and Ahsoka have a talk.





	Shadows In Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> warning for: references to child abuse; references to (assumed) character death

Ahsoka watched from a distance as Ezra sat by the boundary of the base, staring at the krykna that prowled on the other side of the line, trying to find a way past the sensors that repelled them.  She was supposed to be finding Ezra so they could leave with Kanan, but now she hung back, wanting to see what would happen.

Ezra leaned forward slightly, one hand outstretched toward one of the spider-like creatures.  The krykna lunged at him, hissing angrily.  Ezra jerked back, falling to the ground.

“Fine,” he muttered as he sat back up, his voice carrying to Ahsoka over the breeze.  “I guess we won’t be friends.”

Still, he sat there and kept watching the krykna, and Ahsoka kept watching him.  She’d promised herself she wouldn’t hold hers and Anakin’s and Obi-Wan’s history with Maul against Ezra, and she’d kept that promise.  But in spite of what she’d said to Kanan, she sometimes caught herself seeing Ezra in a different light.  She didn’t like it, but it was instinctive.  There were moments where she saw him grow aggressive, where she felt his anger or the darkness rising inside him, and she couldn’t help but see him more as Maul’s apprentice than as a Jedi.  She kept quiet about it, knowing that it was more her personal baggage than anything else and that neither Kanan nor Ezra needed to hear it.

Then there were moments like this, where she saw him as just another teenager.  Experimenting with the Force, unsure of what he was trying to do, frustrated with himself for failing, but quickly brushing it off.  Hardly any different from the other padawans Ahsoka had grown up with in the temple.

Ahsoka held back a sigh.  She hated the word _complicated._   It described too many things in her life.  And this was one of those things.

* * *

 

“I know you’re there,” Ezra said.  Even with her mental shields as strong as they were, he could sense Ahsoka somewhere behind him.  There were times when he’d felt her eyes on him when she thought he wouldn’t notice, where he’d felt something…not fear, but suspicion, cropping up only to be hastily shoved back down.  It all led him to one obvious conclusion.  She knew.  Kanan must have told her something about his past.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” Ahsoka said as she approached him.

“You didn’t,” Ezra said.

Ahsoka sat down beside him, glancing at the boundary line.

“Having trouble getting along with the locals?” Ahsoka asked.

“I just can’t seem to connect with them,” Ezra said.  “I don’t know if it’s me or them.”

“Could be one of those things that takes time,” Ahsoka said.

Ezra looked down, tracing his fingers through the sand.  His unasked questions about what Ahsoka did and didn’t know and Ahsoka’s unsaid thoughts hung in the air between them.

“How much did Kanan tell you?” Ezra asked.

“He didn’t give me details or anything,” Ahsoka said, accurately guessing what Ezra was asking about.  “He just told me that Maul trained you, that’s all.  And that you weren’t safe with him.  Anything he did to you…that’s your business.  I won't ask if you don’t want me to know.”

“Thanks,” Ezra said.  He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out exactly how to ask what was on his mind.  Ahsoka just waited, knowing that Ezra was thinking.

“I’ve noticed you keeping an eye on me,” he finally said.  “I know you don’t really trust me, and with what Kanan told you, I understand.  I don’t hold that against you or anything.”

“It’s not that,” Ahsoka said.  Ezra’s words stung, not because they hurt her, but because he was so casual about it, like he expected her not to trust him.  Like he didn’t think he deserved trust.  “It’s just hard sometimes to ignore it.”

“I get that,” Ezra said.  “Hard for me to ignore, too.”

“I imagine it’s harder for you than anyone else,” Ahsoka said.

Ezra only shrugged.  Ahsoka was never easy for him to talk to, considering he didn’t know her that well, and the fact that they were talking about his past only made it harder.  Opening up to the rest of the crew had been hard enough.  He wasn’t sure he wanted the details of his childhood and how badly it had affected him being something people outside their family knew about.

“I’m actually kind of impressed,” Ahsoka said.  “You really seem to have come a long way.”

“What do you mean?” Ezra asked.  He may not be sure how he felt about talking to Ahsoka about this, but he couldn’t help but be curious to know what someone outside the situation thought.  Someone who hadn’t known him before.

“I mean,” Ahsoka paused for a moment, thinking over exactly what she meant.  “For one thing, I haven’t seen you fight much, but when I have, you’ve shown a lot more restraint than I thought you would, considering…” she let the sentence trail off, not needing to explain what she meant.

“Kanan’s been helping me with that,” Ezra said.  “He’s been helping me with a lot of things.  He’s a really good teacher.”

“I can tell.”

Ezra was quiet for a moment as he tried to figure out if it was okay to ask the question that was on his mind.  He decided to risk it.

“Do you know what happened to your master?” he asked.

Ezra felt something shift, like a shadow crossing through Ahsoka’s mind, barely noticeable behind her rock-solid shields.

“I don’t,” she said.  “But he was probably killed with the rest of the Jedi.”

She kept her voice carefully neutral, as if she wasn’t talking about the probable death of someone she cared about.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra muttered.  “Maul -- he helped to start a lot of that happening.”

“Ezra, if you and I want to apologize for everything our masters have done, we’ll be here all day,” Ahsoka said.  She was smiling, but Ezra could feel that shadow moving through her mind again.

“Guess so,” Ezra said.

Silence fell between them again as they both stared out at the swarm of krykna, each of them wrapped up in their own thoughts.  Finally, Ahsoka broke the silence.

“We should get going,” she said.  She stood and offered Ezra a hand up.

As the two of them walked back toward the base, Ezra forced himself to speak up again.

“Ahsoka?” he asked.  “You’ve dealt with Maul before, right?”

“I have,” Ahsoka said.

“So you know what he’s like,” Ezra said, “and what he’s capable of.”

Ahsoka nodded.

“Do you…” Ezra’s voice faltered.  He knew what he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure he really wanted to hear the answer.  “Do you think there’s hope for me?”

“Yeah,” Ahsoka said.  “I know there is.”


End file.
